Say How You Feel
by I.c.E.d.C.u.P.c.A.k.E
Summary: The death of a Jedi from Qui-Gon's past makes Obi-Wan think about his relationship with his Master, and worry about what will become of it in the future.  Non-slash.  Oneshot.


Ok so I got bored one day and started reading all of the Jedi Apprentice books again and got a strong urge to write something about Obi-Wan's and Qui-Gon's relationship. So this is the product of that desire. It's my first attempt in this field of fanfiction, and very different from what I usually do. I'm a romance writer at heart, and rest assured this is not a romance fic. Still, it's hard for me to capture a different kind of love, and I hope I've been able to do that for you here. Anyways, please enjoy. I worked hard on it and have been making tweaks on it for the past week or so trying to make sure it read perfectly.

Enjoy and please leave reviews to let me know what you think!

* * *

><p><strong>Say How You Feel.<strong>

* * *

><p>Obi-Wan woke early in the morning. He yawned and glanced out the window, not surprised to see the sun hadn't risen just yet. He then looked at his chrono and found that he was up a good hour and a half before he typically woke. Confused, her tried to figure out the cause. It didn't take him long to sense the strange feeling coming from his Master over their bond. He knew Qui-Gon wasn't in danger, or anything negative. However, it was an emotion he had never felt from the man before.<p>

Curious, Obi-Wan stood and walked out of his room to spot Qui-Gon on the couch looking at some holopics. Obi-Wan knew Qui-Gon didn't know he was watching him, which surprised the apprentice. Typically Qui-Gon was aware the instant Obi-Wan woke; surely the captures had completely dominated Qui-Gon's thoughts.

Obi-Wan walked forward and sat on the couch across from Qui-Gon. That was when the man looked up at him and smiled. "Good morning Padawan. A bit early isn't it?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I could say the same to you Master." Obi-Wan responded as he comfortably leaned against the back of the couch. Qui-Gon smirked with amusement and nodded. Obi-Wan didn't have to say it was Qui-Gon's odd emotions that woke him, he knew Qui-Gon was aware that was why he was awake. Qui-Gon didn't apologize, and Obi-Wan didn't expect him to. An explanation would be nice though. He knew his Master would explain, he would just have to be patient.

After a moment Qui-Gon turned the capture around so Obi-Wan could see a young woman, a few years older than his 17. She was pretty, above average, but nothing spectacular. Obi-Wan had no idea who she was, however, and wondered why she was catching Qui-Gon's attention so dramatically. "Her name is Noley. She was my first apprentice." Qui-Gon explained and Obi-Wan looked a little confused.

"You told me Xanatos was your first apprentice." Obi-Wan said cautiously. Had Qui-Gon really lied to him? He couldn't imagine the man ever doing so, and yet why would he lie about her now?

Qui-Gon nodded as he turned the capture back around and looked at her again. "I know I did. And I'm sorry for being dishonest with you. However, I don't particularly like claiming Mastership of her." He said and the statement struck Obi-Wan as odd. Was there something wrong with her as there had been of Xanatos? He waited patiently for Qui-Gon to explain. "She is a very accomplished Jedi Knight. This was taken just after her trials. I was very proud of her." Qui-Gon said lightly with a hint of nostalgia in his voice.

Obi-Wan nodded lightly. He hadn't expected the answer. It did little to explain why Qui-Gon would not want to claim Mastership of her when she was so successful in the Order. Qui-Gon caught his confusion, and with a small smile continued his explanation. "After what happened with Xanatos I felt that I had failed as a Master. I thought that others were judging my abilities to teach, and I felt that it would detrimental to her to be known as my previous apprentice. I denied having taught her. She took it personally, understandably so. She has never given me a chance to justify my actions." Qui-Gon finished explaining.

Obi-Wan could understand how she could react that way. If Qui-Gon had ever denied he was his apprentice he would feel like he's failed him somehow. No doubt Noley felt that she had let Qui-Gon down in some way. There was one more question on Obi-Wan's mind though. Why the sudden urge to go down memory lane and seek out his old holopics of her?

He still didn't voice his question, because he knew Qui-Gon would answer it without him having to. After the man looked at the picture a moment longer he sighed and Obi-Wan felt a brief wave of emotional pain pass over his Master. "She was cornered and attacked on her last mission. Luckily, her apprentice was able to get her back to the temple. Though the healer's don't think she'll last much longer." Qui-Gon answered his silent question and Obi-Wan understood.

Qui-Gon was afraid that he wouldn't be able to rectify the hurt feelings between him and Noley before she died. The young man was silent for a moment as Qui-Gon kept looking at the holopics of her. Obi-Wan looked at a few spread out on the table in front of them. They were of varying ages and activities. One was her receiving an award at a Padawan Tournament and she looked about 14. Another was of her and Qui-Gon, who looked much much younger, and Obi-Wan felt it strange to see such an old image of his Master. So he quickly moved on and spotted another of Noley and another Padawan.

"Why don't you go visit her in the Healer's Wing?" Obi-Wan asked, raising an eyebrow to his Master. It would only make sense that if not being able to reconcile was what was causing Qui-Gon such discomfort then he should go see her.

"She hasn't woken in three days, and the healer's doubt she will before she dies. It is only right that I don't intrude on her Padawan as he tries to cope with this trying time." Qui-Gon said evenly, but Obi-Wan knew it wasn't true. He gave his Master a look and the man gave a sad smile.

"You're simply trying to avoid the problem." Obi-Wan pointed out. And slowly Qui-Gon nodded in agreement.

"When did you get so wise Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked curiously as he set the capture down and looked at his current apprentice. One whom had meant more to him than any one else he had met, save perhaps Tahl, but it was a close race.

"I always have been. You just don't listen." Obi-Wan jested and Qui-Gon chuckled a bit.

"I suppose you're right. However, even if she did wake, I wouldn't know what to say." Qui-Gon admitted, which was a first for Obi-Wan to hear. His Master had always been very articulate. He was always collected and composed, and yet it seemed this whole situation had put Qui-Gon into a strange mood.

"The truth? Say how you feel." Obi-Wan offered. He hadn't met Noley, but if she was the great Jedi Knight Qui-Gon said she was she would surely listen to him. She would put aside her hurt feelings and take Qui-Gon's words to heart. "I wouldn't want to die thinking I had let you down Master." Obi-Wan added and Qui-Gon nodded in understanding.

"You could never let me down Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon responded, bringing a small smile to Obi-Wan's lips. It was nice to hear such a thing from his Master, and did nothing but urge his desire to be the best Jedi he could be. Pride did not swell in Obi-Wan, which in fact made Qui-Gon even more proud of his apprentice.

"Thank you Master." Obi-Wan said with respect and then went to say more, however, Qui-Gon's comlink went off.

"Jinn." The man responded, and Obi-Wan heard Master Windu's voice on the other side.

"Qui-Gon, Noley has woken up. Though she has only a few minutes left. We thought you'd like to know." Mace Windu explained, sadness in his voice. Obi-Wan rarely got to see a compassionate side to the infamous Jedi Master. But it was times like these when Obi-Wan could tell that he was indeed a deep man, and held love for each Jedi. Including Noley.

"Thank you." Qui-Gon said, and with that the connection ended. Qui-Gon looked at Obi-Wan and sighed a bit. "Would you accompany me to the healer's Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked and Obi-Wan nodded. The two stood and side by side made their way to the healers.

When they arrived Obi-Wan was surprised to see the number of people outside. Apparently Noley had many friends. He could sense Qui-Gon felt awkward in the room, but he couldn't see it on the man's face. He knew that if they were alone Qui-Gon would not mask his emotions so much; he felt comfortable with Obi-Wan to show how he was feeling. The situation in the room quickly fell upon him again and he somberly looked at the unfamiliar faces.

He wished he had a chance to meet Noley. He had so many questions about Qui-Gon before he had apprenticed Xanatos. The man had never fully answered them, and now Obi-Wan knew why. It would be nice to get a perspective of how Qui-Gon had changed over the years, but he would never get the chance.

Master Windu left the room Noley must be in and many in the room turned to him, however, he said nothing and walked up to Qui-Gon. "She wants to see you." He said simply, and Qui-Gon nodded.

Qui-Gon looked to Obi-Wan, silently telling him he was to come along as well, and then the two walked past the crowed and into the room. There was only three people in there. Noley was resting on the bed. Obi-Wan was surprised at how similar she looked to her pictures. She was in her late thirties, and yet looked young, though not as vibrant as he imagined she typically looked.

Next to her sat a young teenager, a human, who looked to be about 14. _Her apprentice._ Obi-Wan thought to himself. He seemed like he hadn't slept or eaten in days and Obi-Wan could tell he was taking his Master's imminent death hard. He could understand it. If Qui-Gon were to die he would be crushed.

The other in the room was a healer Obi-Wan recognized, but didn't know the name of. Obi-Wan glanced at her briefly, and then his eyes fell on Noley once more. Her eyes were open, and Obi-Wan was surprised to see how cognitive she looked. He had expected her to be weak and tired. Though that wasn't the case. Perhaps Master Windu was wrong, and she had more time. But then she spoke.

"Hello Qui-Gon." She whispered with a hoarse voice and the man stepped closer. Obi-Wan could sense his pain and wished he could help his Master. However, he knew he should not intrude, and so stayed near the back of the room.

"Hello Noley." He answered, coming to stand next to her apprentice, who looked at Qui-Gon apprehensively, but said nothing to ruin the reunion.

"I'm sorry." Noley said, clearly emotional at seeing her old Master. Obi-Wan watched as tears welled up in her eyes. Qui-Gon went to speak, but she continued and cut him off. "I'm sorry I wasn't good enough." She finished and quickly Qui-Gon had to fight off his own tears. He quickly shook his head and reached out to gently take her hand.

"You have done nothing but make me proud Noley." He said to her, trying to compose himself once more. Obi-Wan felt Qui-Gon releasing his despair into the force, but it continued swelling up faster than the man could do so. "You have no reason to apologize. _I_ am sorry for making you feel that you did." Qui-Gon responded, taking Obi-Wan's advice on simply saying how he felt.

"I had failed when Xanatos left the order. I wanted to protect you from my failings...I shouldn't have done what I did. And I'm sorry for making you feel that I was ashamed of you for all of these years. I'm so sorry." Qui-Gon said again and Obi-Wan watched as her apprentice looked at Qui-Gon with confusion. Apparently Noley hadn't told him what had happened between her and her Master. He wasn't surprised. He had only found out this morning, and he had been Qui-Gon's apprentice longer than this young teen had been Noley's, he could tell that just by guessing his age.

"I've never been ashamed of you...I was always so proud of you. I should have told you sooner. I should have sought you out." Qui-Gon said with regret, and Obi-Wan now felt guilt flowing through his Master. To his surprise Noley smirked a bit.

"You did. I didn't let you speak." She said softly, taking part of the blame. Obi-Wan was surprised at her humility, accepting that their falling out was a two way street was a big move. As she said it Obi-Wan could see that she had taken Qui-Gon's words in truth, and the two had reconciled. "I'm glad I got to see you again Master." She said before closing her eyes.

Obi-Wan felt her signature disappear, and he knew she had died. He watched Qui-Gon and her apprentice tense, the young teen started crying, and Obi-Wan knew he was in for a tumultuous ordeal. He would have to oversee his Master's funeral, as was tradition. His heart went out to the young teen. Then his attention turned to Qui-Gon who continued looking down at Noley.

Qui-Gon squeezed her hand once, and then bent and gently kissed her forehead. "Goodbye." He whispered and then let go of her hand.

There was silence in the room for some time until her apprentice stood and bowed to Qui-Gon. "Forgive me sir. She told me her Master had died." He said, and Obi-Wan was trying to gauge the teen's reaction to Noley's dishonesty. From what he could see it didn't seem to be affecting him much.

"I am not surprised. However, as you can see, I'm quite alive. My name is Qui-Gon Jinn. This is my apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi." Qui-Gon introduced and the teen had the look of recognition, apparently he had heard their names before.

"She spoke about you before Master Jinn. She said you were a great Jedi." He said, as some attempt to ease Qui-Gon's obvious emotions over her death. The apprentice had stopped crying, no doubt he was simply trying to keep up appearances after his emotional bout earlier. "My name is Terrin Elond." He introduced himself and gave them both a bow. "I am glad I was able to meet you."

"And I you." Qui-Gon responded. "I'm sorry I took her last moments from you Terrin." Qui-Gon apologized and Terrin shook his head.

"We said goodbye before you arrived." Terrin explained and glanced over to his Master's body. "I'm going to miss her..." He admitted in a soft voice and Qui-Gon nodded.

"Noley will be missed by many. As her apprentice you will feel the pain more strongly than any. A broken bond is a painful emotion." Qui-Gon counseled to the lost boy. Terrin nodded and turned away from her.

"Thank you." Qui-Gon nodded and gave Terrin a light bow.

"We will leave you in peace. If you ever need anything, do not hesitate to ask." Qui-Gon offered and Terrin nodded. Then he and Obi-Wan left the room and made their way through the crowd once more and started returning to their quarters.

Obi-Wan could sense Qui-Gon had eased since making his reconciliation with Noley. He was now upset about her death, but that was something he knew his Master could deal with. Death was a part of life, and though it came early for Noley she had lived and died as a Jedi, and would be honored for her sacrifice. He knew if Qui-Gon had not been able to speak to Noley one last time the case would be different.

He then worried. What had happened between Qui-Gon and Noley could happen between him and his Master. Would he end up on his death bed feeling that he had failed Qui-Gon? What would happen to them when his training was finished? He loved Qui-Gon like one loved a Father. Their bond went beyond that of a Teacher and Student. He considered him family. Did Qui-Gon feel the same way?

And what of when they were no longer together all the time, what would become of that bond? Would they drift apart and not speak for years? What would he do without Qui-Gon's advice? His friendship? He couldn't bare thinking about it and instantly tried to distract himself. However, it seemed his anxiety caught Qui-Gon's attention and when they returned to their quarters Qui-Gon motioned for him to sit on the couch. Obi-Wan followed the order obediently and sat across from his Master as they had just before leaving for the healer's wing. Noley's captures were still spread out, but neither paid attention to them at the moment.

"You are concerned." Qui-Gon said, and Obi-Wan nodded honestly. He had long since become comfortable talking to Qui-Gon about his feelings. "You have no reason to be." Qui-Gon said softly and kindly, as though he understood Obi-Wan's reasons for them.

"But Master...things were fine between you and Noley before she passed her trials." Obi-Wan pointed out and Qui-Gon nodded.

"And for several years after that. It was only until Xanatos turned that we drifted apart." Qui-Gon said, but that didn't do much to ease Obi-Wan's concern.

"And when you have another apprentice? Whose to say we won't drift apart? Even if your next apprentice doesn't turn. You'll have him or her to worry about and will forget about me." Obi-Wan said with a surprising feeling of jealousy arising in him. He was shocked at how quickly it came on. It wasn't that he didn't want Qui-Gon to have another apprentice after him. He thought the man was a wonderful teacher and would be a great asset in helping shape another possible Jedi Knight. However, he was afraid he would be forgotten.

Qui-Gon shook his head. "You will be my last apprentice Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon said with surprising confidence.

"What?" Obi-Wan asked, not having realized Qui-Gon had come to this decision. He then shook his head with a look of apprehension. "You said that before you took me." Obi-Wan pointed out and Qui-Gon nodded.

"I did. But this time I mean it. I'm afraid I would constantly hold another apprentice to your standards, and it would not be fair to them. I could not replace you." Qui-Gon said and the affection caught Obi-Wan off guard, but caused him to smile a bit. "What happened between Noley and I will not happen between us Obi-Wan. I will not lose your friendship like I lost hers. There is much more at stake. I would be losing a son. Not just a student." He said with a smile and Obi-wan nodded a bit. So Qui-Gon did feel the same way.

That more than put Obi-Wan's concerns at ease. Nothing would make them the way Qui-Gon and Noley had been. He felt the love from his Master and wondered what he should say to let him know he felt the same. How can he tell him that he felt Qui-Gon was not just his Master, but also his father? Deciding to take a bit of his own advice he decided to simply say how he felt.

"Thank you, Father."


End file.
